Effort
I don't feel deserving of anything. I feel like I need to have my teeth kicked in and locked in a room with my computer then maybe I will get something done. I used to be able to picture myself living this amazing life, the car I always wanted, the beautiful wife, kids, everything. I rarely see that now, now I only think of waking up in 20 years with regret.
When I have two plates loaded up on the bar I bring it down to my chest let out a little groan and push it up it feels like nothing, why would it? It's just my warm up. I load up 30 more pounds on the bar, hit it for 3, that's the heaviest I've ever benched I feel good for a second, then I look up in the mirror and see my reflection. It's easy for me to train, I love training, training is simply a way for me to channel my energy, like swinging my sword, nothing more, nothing less, it feels natural.
I walk out the gym and take a hit of a cigarette, the filter feels natural in my hand, the smoke feels like home in the back of my throat. I remember the first time I ripped a dart, I coughed like crazy, now I go through them like they're sticks of candy. It feels natural to me, like I'm supposed to do it.
I don't know if I will ever get that beautiful life I dreamed about, but I never imagined I would get this strong in the gym, my gains are the by-product of my continuous effort. I never imagined I would be smoking 2-3 darts a day, my addiction is the by-product of my lack of effort.
I'm not where I imagined I'd be at this point in life, I have let myself and the people around me down. Maybe I'm still that delusional dreamer because part of me knows I should just chill, I'd probably live a nice life, but part of me still thinks I can pull it off. I just hope it's not too late and the important people haven't given up on me yet, who am I to say that though? They have given me chance after chance and the result is always the same, it is the by-product of my lack of effort. Allah is the only one who will give you chance after chance, humans are not so merciful.
Doing something I don't want to do, pushing myself, getting out of my comfort zone feels unnatural, but so did going to the gym at one point.
InshAllah I can pull it off.